I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
