So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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