id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
