I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
