I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
