why didn't you poke me back
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
