I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
