Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
