sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
