I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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