Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
