Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
