just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
