Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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