I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
