oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
