If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
