at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
