I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
