if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
