I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
