I cannot find my penis.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
