I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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