I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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