if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
