Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
