We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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