I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
