Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
there was a trapeze. enough said
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
