My friends, they love my intelligence
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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