just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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