theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
