I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
