I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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