What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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