omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
