Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it was like eating out sand paper
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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