You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
