I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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