Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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