my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
