hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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