I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
