as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
