We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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