You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
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