I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
