Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
