whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
