I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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