Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
