I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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