how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
