i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Is this like a preordered booty call?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
