Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
