we're chasing vodka with high fives
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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